37 minutes is what I’ve taken back today.  It wasn't given to me because expectations had already staked their claim to that time, but I’ve stolen it back.  It may not seem like much of a difference to spend it here or there, but it is.  There is a big difference between spending 37 minutes inside of prison walls and spending 37 minutes outside of them.  Inside of prison everything I do and think is confined, restricted, and belongs to the prison, but outside I am free.  My thoughts are my own and the ideas that I think have decidedly lighter, happier, and more free overtones.  I am infatuated with the idea of freedom, but it seems unfair that I have to look at it like it’s a luxury.  I’m disgusted with the brainwashed, routine, drudgery of daily life.  I’m not asking for more excitement, or more money, or more anything really.  I just want my time back.  The freedom to be able to sit and look at the clouds, or take in the world, and just exist and be free and grateful.  The alternative that I have chosen is a life of stress and restriction.  Of guidelines, expectations, and obligation.  That mixed with an overall lack of enthusiasm for most of what I do, which is things for other people who generally do not care, has taken me so far beyond resentment that I hardly count what I’m feeling as anger anymore.  The irony of everything just has me taking a step back to consider an alternate version of my future.  I know what I’m doing isn’t making me happy, there isn’t much variation, challenge, or novelty.  The question is, “what am I going to do about it, right now?”

And my answer is this: I will start taking consistent steps, no matter how small, toward my happiness again.  When it’s all said and done I’m not sure if I’ll help the millions of people that I would like to, make the millions of dollars that I would like to, or do the millions of things that I would like to.  But I will know that I sincerely bet on myself, and took a chance making the ideas in my head have tangible, significant, and measurable impact.  A life mired in doubt, hesitation, and indecision isn’t a life; it’s a waste.  My life may not be a success by others metrics, but it will not be a waste.  My 37 minutes is a little reminder of that. They are MY 37 MINUTES, nobody else’s.

I fucking hate being told what to do.  It kills my mood, stifles my creativity and just makes me want to nuke the universe; and that doesn’t make me a bad person.  We were not created just to follow rules and of course we weren’t because that would make us just instruments for executing tasks or, dare I say, tools.  When I don’t have any creative input or autonomy when executing a task it feels like a mindless, brainless, routine boring waste of time, waste of life, and just ughck…  I love feeling alive, like everything is new and exciting and I love feeling powerful, like whatever I want to make happen I can really do it, not just hope or wish that I could.  When I pull my head out of the dirt, I know that I can make things that last and come up with new, creative ideas.  It’s just that sometimes it’s hard to pull my head out of the dirt.  Now, I realize how precious life is and even more relevant is the fact that it is so preciously rare & finite that it forces me to want to push past all my norms, push past limits & really put in the work to build a better life for myself, my whole family & to a larger degree, as many people as I can touch in my lifetime.  “Being told what to do” “following instructions” and all that kind of shit is for the worms.  I realized that I’ve been lied to by all types of people and power structures.  The fact of the matter is: There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they don’t have our best interest at heart, and they aren’t trying to protect us. They’re trying to control us.  The only question after understanding this is, “what are we going to do now?” I, personally, am disappointed and pissed off that I didn’t see it sooner but the ball is in my court & the power is in my hands.

Don’t be tied down by fears, expectations, or distractions.

Maybe I’m alone in my thinking that regardless of what I have to show for my life thus far, I have played it incredibly safe.

Ugh, the word “safe” makes me cringe.

I throw “safe” in the pile with “normal”, “typical”, “nothing special”, and “unremarkable”. I haven’t lived a bad life and there are a few things that I’ve come to accomplish that genuinely have made me happy.

But I’m just not fulfilled.

I’m not an especially high achiever or superior performer in most of the things that I do and it’s not because I’m ungrateful or shortsighted or any of the other things that people would hear my complaints and think, “How dare he!?”
I’m still trying to figure my life out too, so if I have ideas that are contrary to yours, it’s not an assault on your fundamentals or way of life; they’re just ideas.
I can’t help but feel this emptiness, and honestly it’s nothing new. I’ve “thrived” in emptiness and I know plenty of other people have too. I’m just not sure if it has been out of fear, or necessity, or maybe even ego. I have held onto my work, the things I’ve done for somebody else, like a badge of honor and I’ve been too proud to feel foolish even though I have been a fool. But Honestly has been like stepping back into the sunlight.

“We don’t have to act like sheep if we don’t want to.” 

These wise words are from one of my favorite authors and personalities, Seth Godin.

Now, I am screaming at people to stop being consumed by imaginary fears, to stop being so worried about safety and predictability and start seeing that each of us has something great to bring to the world. We need to start making a difference, you have no idea how many people are counting on you. We need to put fear in its proper place and just take the leap into whatever we have been heart-stricken with a passion for.

Break away from the herd, we have been conditioned to underachieve and fit in. So let’s do the opposite for ourselves and for others.